Finding Connection...

We are all looking for a healthy, satisfying relationship. Intimacy is an integral part to building a strong foundation in your relationship. Achieving a strong sense of intimacy with your partner can be difficult. What makes it so difficult? Men and women view intimacy differently. We all have different definitions of what intimacy means. But studies show that, on average, women tend to be more emotional. While this may seem like just a stereotype, many studies have shown that women express more emotion and are more in touch with their emotions when compared to men. Women tend to want to talk, listen, communicate, and express emotions as a way of feeling connected. On the other side of the coin, men tend to want to engage in shared activities to bond with others. We see this difference early on: in little girls we see that they spend much of their social time talking with others and boys prefer to engage in recreational activities.

So how does this information help us create more intimacy in our relationships? First, the knowledge of how we are different will hopefully help us to understand and relate to our partner better. With this knowledge, we can stop taking what our partner is doing personally. They are not doing it to bother us or on purpose, but because our partner is different from us. Now that we know that we need different things from our partners to feel intimate, we can start to find new ways that we can feel connected to our partner. It’s important to talk to our partners in order to find some compromise so both you and your partner are able to feel high levels of intimacy. For example, going for a walk with your partner - this allows you to be doing something active, but you are also able to talk to your partner. It is important to find what works for you and your partner and go with it. Enjoy each other!  

The Pain of Heartbreak...

I was watching the news the other day and there was a story about a new study on the pain of heartbreak. A study at the University of Michigan looked at individuals who have recently experienced a break-up. They did fMRIs on these individual to look at the parts of their brains that were activated when they looked at a picture of their ex and then when they were experiencing a tolerable level of pain. The researcher found that the parts of the brain that become activated when we experience social rejection (a break-up) are the same parts of the brain that control the sensory experience of physical pain. (Kross, 2011)

This study validates what we have all probably at least once experienced. Break-ups are painful. When we go through a break-up we experience intense feelings of rejection, sadness, depression, etc. So how do we move on from a break-up and find stable ground again?

When we deal with a break-up or a divorce, we go through grief and loss. It is important to grieve the loss of the relationship you once had. Now when I talk about grieving, I don’t mean live in the past. Many of us get stuck in analyzing and reanalyzing what went wrong in the relationship. Spend an appropriate amount of time grieving and take the things that you have learned from the relationship, and then look toward the future. When can we learn from break-ups? Men are jerks? Women are too complicated? No, what we learn is within ourselves. We can learn more about our needs in relationship, what we are looking for in our partners, and what I talked about yesterday, how could we be the right partner.

Now to the moving forward, moving on, surround yourself with friends, family, people who support you and make you feel good. Then to the putting yourself out there; this is to be done when you are ready and feel comfortable. Take baby steps if you need to.

Live in the present and move toward your future!

Reference:

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/sex-relationships/story/2011/03/Heartbreak-hurts-people-physically-too/45443040/1?csp=usat.me

Being the Right Partner...

So we’ve talked about ways to get your needs met. What about meeting your partner’s needs?  The book “Fighting for your Marriage” by Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg Howard J. Markman, states “A great marriage is predicted not so much by your finding the right partner as by your being the right partner.” I was thinking about this quote and how often times we focused on what our partners do or what we want them not to do. It is important for us to shift our focus to what we can control, ourselves. This isn’t an easy think to do but this is the start to change, hopefully toward positive change. When we are able to focus on ourselves and what we are able to control; we can begin to change how we interact, approach, and react to our partners. How often do we think about what we do for our partners? It is important that we do positive things for our partners and in turn this is doing something positive for our relationship. I am not saying that this gesture has to be something huge, small gestures make a difference. Do what you feel comfortable with and if that means start small then start small.

Also, it is important to take care of ourselves. When we are able to take care of ourselves, it may be a bit easier to give to our partners and to focus on being the right partner.