So how do we build this sense of trust with others? It all starts when we are babies, with our very first important relationship: that with our caregivers. When we are infants, we rely on our caregivers to meet our needs. We begin to learn about the world through these experiences. We learn from our caregiver’s attunement, responsiveness, and accessibility. We can look at attachment styles of children and caregivers and how this affects our attachment relationships as adults. There are three attachment styles that are important to note: secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant. As the name suggests, a secure attachment shows that the parent was consistent and accessible, allowing the child to develop confidence in the parents' ability to tend to the needs of the child. The children who exhibit anxious-resistant or avoidant traits (insecure attachments) often had parents who were inconsistent and insensitive to the child’s needs. We take these early attachment experiences with our caregivers into our future relationships. The child/caregiver relationship can have a lot of similarities to how we approach our adult romantic relationships. In both types of relationships, people tend to feel more secure when there is greater physical proximity. We engage in close contact, share experiences, feel insecure when they are inaccessible, etc. It is important to remember that when we enter into a relationship, we already have expectations of whether our needs will be met or not. If we had a secure attachment with our caregivers, we are more likely to enter into a relationship with confidence and trust in our partner. An insecure attachment may lend us to be more wary of our partner or not feel that we can rely on others to have our needs met. We also tend to have multiple romantic relationships before getting married or settling down. We take each relationship experience with us. Each relationship influences subsequent relationships, as our experiences with our caregivers influence our approach to how we experience others.
Strengthening our trust in others is important in living a happy and satisfying life. First, it is important to be in touch with past experiences and be able to recognize when those are coming into your present relationships. Sometimes things that our partner does or an interaction that we have with our partner can trigger a past wound or feeling of insecurity. Take the example of someone's partner coming home late from work. This could be extremely upsetting if, for instance, your parents were repeatedly late picking you up from school. This current interaction with your significant other can bring up childhood feelings of being neglected. It is important to identify that your fear is that your partner is neglecting you when they were stuck in traffic. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to be upset but it is important to be aware of the things that we bring from the past to the present. In this moment, recognize your feeling and where it may be coming from. This can be a difficult task, requiring time and self-reflection (and sometimes even therapy) to get to this place.
It is important to distinguish our fears from reality. This can be done by mentally "taking a step back" and examining what evidence you have to support your belief. Continuing with the example above, your fear is that your partner is neglecting you when in fact, the reality could be that they were stuck in traffic. Communication can play a key role in building trust; it can let your partner know what your experience is and you can also communicate to your partner your needs. Communicating our needs allows our partner to be aware of our needs because everyone has different needs and hopefully, then they will be able to meet them. A corrective experience is vital if we have had a negative attachment relationship in the past. A corrective experience will provide us with a different, hopefully positive experience than what we have had in the past. Communicating your feelings about your partner being late will facilitate this positive experience. Note the difference in these two communications: "I can't believe you're late again. You had me so worried. Why are you always doing this?" versus "I was worried about you and couldn't wait for you to get home. I missed you." Identifying your feelings, considering where they come from, and facilitating a corrective experience will give you a new way of viewing and trusting in your partner. Trust takes time to develop and strengthen, but ultimately is it essential for a strong relationship foundation.