Remaining Calm...

When we are engaged in an argument with our partners we can become activated. What this means is that we experience an autonomic nervous system response to stress. This includes an increase in our heart-rate, muscles tensing, and other responses that one would expect when experiencing stress. When this happens it becomes difficult for us to hear what our partner is saying and we then go on the defensive. There is no magic answer on what will work for everyone; it is important to find what works for you in reducing your activation. 

One strategy is to take a break if you and your partner find yourself engaged in an argument that is getting heated. It is important that you and your partner discuss the terms of taking a “time out” before an argument. Terms to the time out should include how long the time out will last; 30 minutes is a good starting point. Then you and your partner should come back together and if another time out is needed then this should be communicated. It is important that you and your partner come back together to continue the discussion. A “time out” is not meant to get out of a conversation. Other techniques one can try to remain calm are doing deep breathing. For example, take ten deep breaths. Another technique that can be useful is to monitor our thinking. Next time, we’ll talk about thought monitoring.

"I feel..."

In talking about being vulnerable and opening the lines of communication with your partner, it is important to talk about how we do this. When we go to our partner there are ways we can bring up an issue more effectively. What we don’t want to do is what’s called a “harsh startup”. The way this comes about is when we feel hurt or dissatisfied with our partner (feelings that are typical in any relationship). Whether we don’t have the chance to discuss it with them or choose not to, the feeling sticks around and begins to influence the way we think about the situation. Something simple like someone forgetting to take out the trash becomes “well if my partner didn’t take out the trash, then they are clearly not dependable.” Or “my partner ALWAYS forgets to do things and NEVER helps out.” When we feel angry enough to confront our partner, the message comes out accusatory and angry, leaving them defensive.

So using our Valentine’s Day example again, a harsh startup may sound like this: “You always forget about me. You didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day and clearly you don’t care about me.” What we want to do is to soften our startup. By doing this we are able to express how we feel and what we are looking for. It gives you and your partner the space to repair what has happened without causing them to be defensive. An example of how to soften a startup is, “I felt really hurt when you forgot Valentine’s Day. I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with you.”

Using “I statements” to say “I feel…” allows you to identify your feeling. It is also important to be clear about what it is you are expecting and needing, opening the doors for you and your partner to work on a solution. Using this method makes it much more likely that the discussion (that could have been fraught with anger and blaming) will bring you and your partner closer together. Next we’ll talk about ways to remain calm when you’re feeling upset. 

Vulnerability...

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Definitions of vulnerability range from “capable of being physically hurt or damaged” to “open to attack or damage.” Not too comforting. Yet, the importance of being vulnerable is frequently mentioned in therapy. Considering today’s topic, how do you know when you’re being vulnerable? Moreover, why would anyone WANT to be vulnerable? 

It is important that there is an aspect of safety in your relationship.* It is not appropriate in all relationships, especially hostile or volatile relationships, to put oneself out there. 

Being vulnerable in the therapeutic sense means going outside your comfort zone. In terms of a relationship, it means being able to ask your partner for what you need. For example: you’ve had a really hard day at work and are looking for reassurance and comfort from your partner. It is important to remember that our partners are not mind readers, and there will be times that we need to give them a little extra information. When we are able to express our needs, it is much more likely that our needs will be met.

Vulnerability allows you to open the lines of communication with your partner. When you’re able to clearly and concretely communicate your needs to your partner, it gives your partner a better opportunity to meet them. If that does not happen, a conversation about compromise can occur. This will likely increase intimacy and greater sense of satisfaction in your relationship.

*If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship or feel unsafe in your relationship, please consider these resources:

www.thehotline.org

http://www.ncadv.org/

The Valentine's Hangover...

Whenever holidays come around, we build up expectations of what it will be like, how we will feel, and what will happen. This is natural; many of us do this, but it can also leave us feeling disappointed. This disappointment can turn into anger and resentment, which leads us to push our partners away. In the long run this doesn’t really help us get what we are looking for. What we are typically looking for is love and connection.

This is a common reactionary pattern to a variety of interactions that occur in relationships. But how do we let our guards down and put ourselves out there by telling our partners what we are looking for? The fear of rejection and embarrassment can be enough for us to not be vulnerable. However, if we don’t put ourselves out there, what happens? How do we find that connection?

Sometimes being in love and in a relationship requires us to take risks and leaps of faith. It can be as easy (or as hard) as saying, “Honey, I would love to have dinner just the two of us with no interruptions.”  But how can something seemingly so innocent be so hard? Our fears and our past make it hard. Maybe you have been rejected in the past and the fear of that happening again is too overwhelming. Feeling safe and trusting your partner are essential in establishing a strong foundation for your relationship. Once you begin to be more vulnerable and it is successful it will only make your connection and your relationship stronger. Tomorrow we’ll discuss more about the topic of vulnerability. 

Love is in the air...

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is a day that we celebrate love. The colors of red and pink fill our view, and the smell of roses fill the air. In my opinion, the purpose of Valentine’s Day is to express one’s love for his or her partner. But how do we do that? By sending flowers? Chocolates? A card? Possibly one or all. Maybe none of these. This holiday should be about the love you share with your partner. Express it in a way that represents your love.

On this day it is also important to think about the other relationships we have in our life: family and friends. Think about the people you have in your life who you love and who have loved you. I think this holiday gives us an opportunity to show the people in our life the appreciation and love that we feel for them. This expression of affections doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. Something as small as a couple uttered words can mean so much to someone. The most important aspect of expressing affection is genuineness. It’s not an easy thing; we have walls and guards up for fear of being hurt.

I think one of the most important things that we can do today is to think about the love that we are given throughout the year. And continue to spread love throughout today and everyday of the year. 

Happily Ever After...

Relationships are a fundamental part of who we are as human beings. We are Mothers, Fathers, Daughters, Sons, Friends, Lovers; the list could go on and on. We take on many roles in our lives and our many relationships. These relationships are not always easy and take work to maintain. So how do we find everlasting happiness in our relationships? I hope to address some possible answers to that question in this blog.   

I decided to write this blog because I love working with and having relationships. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist working in private practice in LA. My passion is working with couples, whether it is couples therapy or premarital counseling.