When we are engaged in an argument with our partners we can become activated. What this means is that we experience an autonomic nervous system response to stress. This includes an increase in our heart-rate, muscles tensing, and other responses that one would expect when experiencing stress. When this happens it becomes difficult for us to hear what our partner is saying and we then go on the defensive. There is no magic answer on what will work for everyone; it is important to find what works for you in reducing your activation.
One strategy is to take a break if you and your partner find yourself engaged in an argument that is getting heated. It is important that you and your partner discuss the terms of taking a “time out” before an argument. Terms to the time out should include how long the time out will last; 30 minutes is a good starting point. Then you and your partner should come back together and if another time out is needed then this should be communicated. It is important that you and your partner come back together to continue the discussion. A “time out” is not meant to get out of a conversation. Other techniques one can try to remain calm are doing deep breathing. For example, take ten deep breaths. Another technique that can be useful is to monitor our thinking. Next time, we’ll talk about thought monitoring.
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