"I feel..."

In talking about being vulnerable and opening the lines of communication with your partner, it is important to talk about how we do this. When we go to our partner there are ways we can bring up an issue more effectively. What we don’t want to do is what’s called a “harsh startup”. The way this comes about is when we feel hurt or dissatisfied with our partner (feelings that are typical in any relationship). Whether we don’t have the chance to discuss it with them or choose not to, the feeling sticks around and begins to influence the way we think about the situation. Something simple like someone forgetting to take out the trash becomes “well if my partner didn’t take out the trash, then they are clearly not dependable.” Or “my partner ALWAYS forgets to do things and NEVER helps out.” When we feel angry enough to confront our partner, the message comes out accusatory and angry, leaving them defensive.

So using our Valentine’s Day example again, a harsh startup may sound like this: “You always forget about me. You didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day and clearly you don’t care about me.” What we want to do is to soften our startup. By doing this we are able to express how we feel and what we are looking for. It gives you and your partner the space to repair what has happened without causing them to be defensive. An example of how to soften a startup is, “I felt really hurt when you forgot Valentine’s Day. I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with you.”

Using “I statements” to say “I feel…” allows you to identify your feeling. It is also important to be clear about what it is you are expecting and needing, opening the doors for you and your partner to work on a solution. Using this method makes it much more likely that the discussion (that could have been fraught with anger and blaming) will bring you and your partner closer together. Next we’ll talk about ways to remain calm when you’re feeling upset.