Trust in Relationships...

Trust is an important aspect of building a solid foundation for a lasting and satisfying relationship. It is important to define what trust means when we are talking about relationships. Having a trusting relationship with your partner means having a secure connection to your partner. This means that you feel a sense of emotional connection to your partner even when you are not in physical proximity. You know that you are loved and cared about even when your partner isn’t actively doing something to show you those feelings. When trust is present, you will have greater confidence in your partner’s ability to meet your needs. There is also a component of vulnerability to trust. We need to have faith sometimes in things that we do not know for sure.

So how do we build this sense of trust with others? It all starts when we are babies, with our very first important relationship: that with our caregivers. When we are infants, we rely on our caregivers to meet our needs. We begin to learn about the world through these experiences. We learn from our caregiver’s attunement, responsiveness, and accessibility. We can look at attachment styles of children and caregivers and how this affects our attachment relationships as adults. There are three attachment styles that are important to note: secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant. As the name suggests, a secure attachment shows that the parent was consistent and accessible, allowing the child to develop confidence in the parents' ability to tend to the needs of the child. The children who exhibit anxious-resistant or avoidant traits (insecure attachments) often had parents who were inconsistent and insensitive to the child’s needs. We take these early attachment experiences with our caregivers into our future relationships. The child/caregiver relationship can have a lot of similarities to how we approach our adult romantic relationships. In both types of relationships, people tend to feel more secure when there is greater physical proximity. We engage in close contact, share experiences, feel insecure when they are inaccessible, etc. It is important to remember that when we enter into a relationship, we already have expectations of whether our needs will be met or not. If we had a secure attachment with our caregivers, we are more likely to enter into a relationship with confidence and trust in our partner. An insecure attachment may lend us to be more wary of our partner or not feel that we can rely on others to have our needs met. We also tend to have multiple romantic relationships before getting married or settling down. We take each relationship experience with us. Each relationship influences subsequent relationships, as our experiences with our caregivers influence our approach to how we experience others.

Strengthening our trust in others is important in living a happy and satisfying life. First, it is important to be in touch with past experiences and be able to recognize when those are coming into your present relationships. Sometimes things that our partner does or an interaction that we have with our partner can trigger a past wound or feeling of insecurity. Take the example of someone's partner coming home late from work. This could be extremely upsetting if, for instance, your parents were repeatedly late picking you up from school. This current interaction with your significant other can bring up childhood feelings of being neglected. It is important to identify that your fear is that your partner is neglecting you when they were stuck in traffic. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to be upset but it is important to be aware of the things that we bring from the past to the present. In this moment, recognize your feeling and where it may be coming from. This can be a difficult task, requiring time and self-reflection (and sometimes even therapy) to get to this place.

It is important to distinguish our fears from reality. This can be done by mentally "taking a step back" and examining what evidence you have to support your belief. Continuing with the example above, your fear is that your partner is neglecting you when in fact, the reality could be that they were stuck in traffic. Communication can play a key role in building trust; it can let your partner know what your experience is and you can also communicate to your partner your needs. Communicating our needs allows our partner to be aware of our needs because everyone has different needs and hopefully, then they will be able to meet them. A corrective experience is vital if we have had a negative attachment relationship in the past. A corrective experience will provide us with a different, hopefully positive experience than what we have had in the past. Communicating your feelings about your partner being late will facilitate this positive experience. Note the difference in these two communications: "I can't believe you're late again. You had me so worried. Why are you always doing this?" versus "I was worried about you and couldn't wait for you to get home. I missed you." Identifying your feelings, considering where they come from, and facilitating a corrective experience will give you a new way of viewing and trusting in your partner. Trust takes time to develop and strengthen, but ultimately is it essential for a strong relationship foundation.

The Meaning of Marriage...

With much of our media focused lately on the Royal wedding, I thought this would be a good time to reflect on the meaning of marriage. The definition of this word has changed over time; it has a long history. The meaning of marriage also varies from culture to culture. Many centuries ago, marriage was influenced by money and politics, not love. A hundred years ago dating became popular and couples were able to court each other. Love now plays an integral role in marriage. In the 1950’s, the nuclear family and marriage took over the culture. A study at the time showed that 4 out of 5 people thought that choosing to be single was immoral. Women started entering the workforce in the 70’s and now work outside of the home. The current Webster dictionary definition of marriage is “the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law; the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.” We as a society are currently changing the definition of marriage to include same-sex marriage.

One report that came out of the Royal wedding was that Kate Middleton chose to not include the word ‘obey’ in her wedding vows, as is the tradition. She made a choice to redefine what marriage is for herself with her now husband. I think what we can take from this is that it is important for each couple to create their own definition of marriage and what it means to them. Make your own specific definition with your partner; it is important to have a shared definition. You and your partner have the ability to create the rules and boundaries that keep your relationship strong. This can be anything from what you choose to say in your vows to how you divide up household tasks and responsibilities. It is essential that both partners agree with the definition to ensure long-term satisfaction in the relationship. Having this shared meaning and open communication will strengthen your relationship and the intimacy with your partner. Questions you can ask yourself and your partner are: how do you choose to define your relationship? What works for you and your partner? These questions will help shape your definition.

Finding Connection...

We are all looking for a healthy, satisfying relationship. Intimacy is an integral part to building a strong foundation in your relationship. Achieving a strong sense of intimacy with your partner can be difficult. What makes it so difficult? Men and women view intimacy differently. We all have different definitions of what intimacy means. But studies show that, on average, women tend to be more emotional. While this may seem like just a stereotype, many studies have shown that women express more emotion and are more in touch with their emotions when compared to men. Women tend to want to talk, listen, communicate, and express emotions as a way of feeling connected. On the other side of the coin, men tend to want to engage in shared activities to bond with others. We see this difference early on: in little girls we see that they spend much of their social time talking with others and boys prefer to engage in recreational activities.

So how does this information help us create more intimacy in our relationships? First, the knowledge of how we are different will hopefully help us to understand and relate to our partner better. With this knowledge, we can stop taking what our partner is doing personally. They are not doing it to bother us or on purpose, but because our partner is different from us. Now that we know that we need different things from our partners to feel intimate, we can start to find new ways that we can feel connected to our partner. It’s important to talk to our partners in order to find some compromise so both you and your partner are able to feel high levels of intimacy. For example, going for a walk with your partner - this allows you to be doing something active, but you are also able to talk to your partner. It is important to find what works for you and your partner and go with it. Enjoy each other!  

The Pain of Heartbreak...

I was watching the news the other day and there was a story about a new study on the pain of heartbreak. A study at the University of Michigan looked at individuals who have recently experienced a break-up. They did fMRIs on these individual to look at the parts of their brains that were activated when they looked at a picture of their ex and then when they were experiencing a tolerable level of pain. The researcher found that the parts of the brain that become activated when we experience social rejection (a break-up) are the same parts of the brain that control the sensory experience of physical pain. (Kross, 2011)

This study validates what we have all probably at least once experienced. Break-ups are painful. When we go through a break-up we experience intense feelings of rejection, sadness, depression, etc. So how do we move on from a break-up and find stable ground again?

When we deal with a break-up or a divorce, we go through grief and loss. It is important to grieve the loss of the relationship you once had. Now when I talk about grieving, I don’t mean live in the past. Many of us get stuck in analyzing and reanalyzing what went wrong in the relationship. Spend an appropriate amount of time grieving and take the things that you have learned from the relationship, and then look toward the future. When can we learn from break-ups? Men are jerks? Women are too complicated? No, what we learn is within ourselves. We can learn more about our needs in relationship, what we are looking for in our partners, and what I talked about yesterday, how could we be the right partner.

Now to the moving forward, moving on, surround yourself with friends, family, people who support you and make you feel good. Then to the putting yourself out there; this is to be done when you are ready and feel comfortable. Take baby steps if you need to.

Live in the present and move toward your future!

Reference:

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/sex-relationships/story/2011/03/Heartbreak-hurts-people-physically-too/45443040/1?csp=usat.me

Being the Right Partner...

So we’ve talked about ways to get your needs met. What about meeting your partner’s needs?  The book “Fighting for your Marriage” by Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg Howard J. Markman, states “A great marriage is predicted not so much by your finding the right partner as by your being the right partner.” I was thinking about this quote and how often times we focused on what our partners do or what we want them not to do. It is important for us to shift our focus to what we can control, ourselves. This isn’t an easy think to do but this is the start to change, hopefully toward positive change. When we are able to focus on ourselves and what we are able to control; we can begin to change how we interact, approach, and react to our partners. How often do we think about what we do for our partners? It is important that we do positive things for our partners and in turn this is doing something positive for our relationship. I am not saying that this gesture has to be something huge, small gestures make a difference. Do what you feel comfortable with and if that means start small then start small.

Also, it is important to take care of ourselves. When we are able to take care of ourselves, it may be a bit easier to give to our partners and to focus on being the right partner. 

Maintaining a "Me" within a "We"

I was thinking today about how important it is to maintain a sense of self and individuality when in a relationship. What I am talking about is maintaining a sense of identity. When we are in a relationship we take on another role of being someone’s boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband. When we take on this role it is easy to lose a sense of ourselves. So how do we find a balance between nurturing ourselves and our relationships? The first step is to focus on self-care. It is important to know what you as an individual need in order to reduce stress. For some, this could mean going to the gym. For others, it could be spending time with friends or reading a book.

Remember too that sharing your interests with your partner allows for opportunity to increase intimacy. Whatever your method of coping with stress, striking a balance between your “we” time and your “me” time will mean a happier and more fulfilling relationship.  Consider what your interests are and how best to incorporate time for yourself in your relationship.

Thinking...

Our thoughts affect our feelings and behaviors. It is important to be aware of how we are thinking especially when it comes to our relationships because it affects how we perceive the interactions that occur within these relationships. This can help us distinguish fears from facts and shoulds from coulds. Sometimes we may find ourselves saying things as facts when they may be a fear. For example, “my partner doesn’t care about me” versus “I fear that my partner doesn’t care about me.” When we have thoughts that are stated as facts we start to have feelings as if the statement is true. If we are able to frame the thought as recognition as a feeling then we are able to be able to express our needs more effectively. When we are able to reframe some of our thoughts, it can help us reduce anxiety and to think more clearly and efficiently about a situation. I think the most important thing to take from this is that it is useful to be aware of how we are thinking. Think constructively!

Remaining Calm...

When we are engaged in an argument with our partners we can become activated. What this means is that we experience an autonomic nervous system response to stress. This includes an increase in our heart-rate, muscles tensing, and other responses that one would expect when experiencing stress. When this happens it becomes difficult for us to hear what our partner is saying and we then go on the defensive. There is no magic answer on what will work for everyone; it is important to find what works for you in reducing your activation. 

One strategy is to take a break if you and your partner find yourself engaged in an argument that is getting heated. It is important that you and your partner discuss the terms of taking a “time out” before an argument. Terms to the time out should include how long the time out will last; 30 minutes is a good starting point. Then you and your partner should come back together and if another time out is needed then this should be communicated. It is important that you and your partner come back together to continue the discussion. A “time out” is not meant to get out of a conversation. Other techniques one can try to remain calm are doing deep breathing. For example, take ten deep breaths. Another technique that can be useful is to monitor our thinking. Next time, we’ll talk about thought monitoring.

"I feel..."

In talking about being vulnerable and opening the lines of communication with your partner, it is important to talk about how we do this. When we go to our partner there are ways we can bring up an issue more effectively. What we don’t want to do is what’s called a “harsh startup”. The way this comes about is when we feel hurt or dissatisfied with our partner (feelings that are typical in any relationship). Whether we don’t have the chance to discuss it with them or choose not to, the feeling sticks around and begins to influence the way we think about the situation. Something simple like someone forgetting to take out the trash becomes “well if my partner didn’t take out the trash, then they are clearly not dependable.” Or “my partner ALWAYS forgets to do things and NEVER helps out.” When we feel angry enough to confront our partner, the message comes out accusatory and angry, leaving them defensive.

So using our Valentine’s Day example again, a harsh startup may sound like this: “You always forget about me. You didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day and clearly you don’t care about me.” What we want to do is to soften our startup. By doing this we are able to express how we feel and what we are looking for. It gives you and your partner the space to repair what has happened without causing them to be defensive. An example of how to soften a startup is, “I felt really hurt when you forgot Valentine’s Day. I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with you.”

Using “I statements” to say “I feel…” allows you to identify your feeling. It is also important to be clear about what it is you are expecting and needing, opening the doors for you and your partner to work on a solution. Using this method makes it much more likely that the discussion (that could have been fraught with anger and blaming) will bring you and your partner closer together. Next we’ll talk about ways to remain calm when you’re feeling upset. 

Vulnerability...

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Definitions of vulnerability range from “capable of being physically hurt or damaged” to “open to attack or damage.” Not too comforting. Yet, the importance of being vulnerable is frequently mentioned in therapy. Considering today’s topic, how do you know when you’re being vulnerable? Moreover, why would anyone WANT to be vulnerable? 

It is important that there is an aspect of safety in your relationship.* It is not appropriate in all relationships, especially hostile or volatile relationships, to put oneself out there. 

Being vulnerable in the therapeutic sense means going outside your comfort zone. In terms of a relationship, it means being able to ask your partner for what you need. For example: you’ve had a really hard day at work and are looking for reassurance and comfort from your partner. It is important to remember that our partners are not mind readers, and there will be times that we need to give them a little extra information. When we are able to express our needs, it is much more likely that our needs will be met.

Vulnerability allows you to open the lines of communication with your partner. When you’re able to clearly and concretely communicate your needs to your partner, it gives your partner a better opportunity to meet them. If that does not happen, a conversation about compromise can occur. This will likely increase intimacy and greater sense of satisfaction in your relationship.

*If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship or feel unsafe in your relationship, please consider these resources:

www.thehotline.org

http://www.ncadv.org/

The Valentine's Hangover...

Whenever holidays come around, we build up expectations of what it will be like, how we will feel, and what will happen. This is natural; many of us do this, but it can also leave us feeling disappointed. This disappointment can turn into anger and resentment, which leads us to push our partners away. In the long run this doesn’t really help us get what we are looking for. What we are typically looking for is love and connection.

This is a common reactionary pattern to a variety of interactions that occur in relationships. But how do we let our guards down and put ourselves out there by telling our partners what we are looking for? The fear of rejection and embarrassment can be enough for us to not be vulnerable. However, if we don’t put ourselves out there, what happens? How do we find that connection?

Sometimes being in love and in a relationship requires us to take risks and leaps of faith. It can be as easy (or as hard) as saying, “Honey, I would love to have dinner just the two of us with no interruptions.”  But how can something seemingly so innocent be so hard? Our fears and our past make it hard. Maybe you have been rejected in the past and the fear of that happening again is too overwhelming. Feeling safe and trusting your partner are essential in establishing a strong foundation for your relationship. Once you begin to be more vulnerable and it is successful it will only make your connection and your relationship stronger. Tomorrow we’ll discuss more about the topic of vulnerability. 

Love is in the air...

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is a day that we celebrate love. The colors of red and pink fill our view, and the smell of roses fill the air. In my opinion, the purpose of Valentine’s Day is to express one’s love for his or her partner. But how do we do that? By sending flowers? Chocolates? A card? Possibly one or all. Maybe none of these. This holiday should be about the love you share with your partner. Express it in a way that represents your love.

On this day it is also important to think about the other relationships we have in our life: family and friends. Think about the people you have in your life who you love and who have loved you. I think this holiday gives us an opportunity to show the people in our life the appreciation and love that we feel for them. This expression of affections doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. Something as small as a couple uttered words can mean so much to someone. The most important aspect of expressing affection is genuineness. It’s not an easy thing; we have walls and guards up for fear of being hurt.

I think one of the most important things that we can do today is to think about the love that we are given throughout the year. And continue to spread love throughout today and everyday of the year. 

Happily Ever After...

Relationships are a fundamental part of who we are as human beings. We are Mothers, Fathers, Daughters, Sons, Friends, Lovers; the list could go on and on. We take on many roles in our lives and our many relationships. These relationships are not always easy and take work to maintain. So how do we find everlasting happiness in our relationships? I hope to address some possible answers to that question in this blog.   

I decided to write this blog because I love working with and having relationships. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist working in private practice in LA. My passion is working with couples, whether it is couples therapy or premarital counseling.